i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
