my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
