Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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