Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When did angry sex become our thing?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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