Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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