In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
