all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
