I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
