Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
