I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
