i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
