I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I need water and some morals
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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