well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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