Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
