I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize