he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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