im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
