You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
