Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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