Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
