This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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