He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
