Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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