had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
