You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize