Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i think im in europe. pls send help
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
