I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
