That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
