Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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