I wish my penis had an off switch
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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