I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I woke up under a house in Key West
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