Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
