just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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