So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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