Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
