i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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