it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
