I faked an abortion last night.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
