I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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