he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
