Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
