At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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