I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm really busy with my period
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