yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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