Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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