i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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