if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
my poor anus
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize