FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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