I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize