I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
