The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
