If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
