WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
